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Everyone you see is fighting an internal battle, some just hide it better than others.
Hello, my name is Sandra Gil and I was diagnosed with chronic depression January of 2014 after I tried to hurt myself. Self-care, something that I was not taught in mi hogar, something that most heads of families do not teach us. All I felt during the holiday season of 2013 was loneliness amongst my familia. My mother would constantly ask me what was wrong but I could not explain it to her and it was hard to not be able to talk to her because her and I are so close. How do you explain something that you feel is so deeply rooted? Even now after countless therapy sessions she attended with me (I was still a minor when I was diagnosed), she has trouble wrapping her head around the idea que su niña is still struggling to live life happily because she is still shaking off the remains of depression. My entire childhood, I felt left behind. My parents left me because my father decided to go into politics in his homeland. Family tragedy struck. My mother left again. My oldest sibling became my guardian, we moved to the middle of nowhere. I felt undervalued in the home. My mother later came back to find her niña angry. I began holding my feelings in, they eventually caught up to me. Teenage years for me were quite a journey with family affairs constantly making me feel more down. Then during my final year of high school, I was bullied, went through a break up and yet another tragedy in the family struck. I was told to be strong during this tragedy and was not allowed to cry, but once everyone started crying I lost the need to cry and I was strong for everyone in my household. A week later, I drank past my limit. My mom took me home to sleep it off but I woke up crying a couple of hours later and the feelings I had been locking up consumed me. I took one of my sister’s barber blades (details I will not disclose)… I woke up in a hospital. How did I recover? I sulked... a lot. I was not motivated to do much except for my regular schedule, but my friends broke the cycle. Two amazing friends that to this day I am grateful to have them. One would get me to go out more often, leave the house and start acting my age again. The other made me realize the importance of religion. Despite having different religious beliefs, she convinced me to go to a retreat at my local Catholic church, one that I had attended as a kid. Coming out of that retreat made me feel like I had a clean slate. I mended fences with my mother because I knew it was important for her to know what was going on with me, I had to let her in, she is my best friend. My mother became my rock. My family was crucial to my recovery, they came together and would take care of me, some more than others but they did not let me tackle depression alone. My therapist helped me understand the traumas I had suffered weren’t ones that I can easily put aside or push further into me. One of her phrases that continues to stick with me is, “Feelings were meant to be felt, so allow them to show you what you are feeling.” She explained to me that I would feel remains of sadness throughout the next 2-4 years that would take me back to that night and the core of it all. To this day, to this very moment that I am writing this, I feel pieces of a broken me that have yet to be put back in their place but this is normal. On a lighter note This year I decided to tackle the last string that was holding me back, my self-esteem. Beginning 2016 I went cold-turkey on soda, chips and fast food. I picked up Soulcycle, which is highly addictive in the best way possible. I taught myself discipline by not allowing myself to sleep in on days that I knew I had to get a workout in, I got myself on a strict sleeping schedule which taught me to make the most of daylight and I could not give into my cravings of sugary and fatty foods. Trust me it was not easy, but having a great support system helped. Mi mama- I was skeptical at first but she got me to drink the Herbalife nutrition breakfast. It did not include any pills to help you slim down, but it did make me drink a lot of water (which is a great fat burner by the way). My mom also encouraged me to go to spin class by giving me kudos every time I came home dripping in sweat. Then when she started noticing changes in my body, she got in touch with my godmother. My SO- He saw that my self-esteem was the only thing between me and my happiness. He went to my first Soulcycle classes with me so I would not feel self-conscious. He helped me plan my meals. Once he saw I fell in love with spin class he got me on a road bike, which has brought me so much joy. You girls have no idea how much I love being on my bike and riding 30+ miles on a daily basis, it keeps me sane and allows me to think clearly. Many more people helped; my godmother encouraged me by coming over every two weeks to take my measurements, body weight and measure my body fat and BMI percentages, my sister got me to workout with her so I wouldn’t just be doing spin class and my spin instructor noticed my effort and would praise me for every class completion. Bottom line, your mental health is by far the most important thing. Your physical appearance is something that you are in control of and if you want to change, you bet you’re a** you can. Lessons I have learned from my experience:
Con mucho amor, Sandra Gil The holiday season is when it hits most. If you did not already know, it is during the holiday season in which most suicides occur. If you feel the desire to hurt yourself, please call any of the following number: Suicide Prevention 1-800-273-8255. CAPPS 310-206-3466
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