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My past, present and future battle

11/23/2016

Everyone you see is fighting an internal battle, some just hide it better than others.

Hello, my name is Sandra Gil and I was diagnosed with chronic depression January of 2014 after I tried to hurt myself.

Self-care, something that I was not taught in mi hogar, something that most heads of families do not teach us. All I felt during the holiday season of 2013 was loneliness amongst my familia. My mother would constantly ask me what was wrong but I could not explain it to her and it was hard to not be able to talk to her because her and I are so close. How do you explain something that you feel is so deeply rooted? Even now after countless therapy sessions she attended with me (I was still a minor when I was diagnosed), she has trouble wrapping her head around the idea que su niña is still struggling to live life happily because she is still shaking off the remains of depression.
My entire childhood, I felt left behind. My parents left me because my father decided to go into politics in his homeland. Family tragedy struck. My mother left again. My oldest sibling became my guardian, we moved to the middle of nowhere. I felt undervalued in the home. My mother later came back to find her niña angry. I began holding my feelings in, they eventually caught up to me.
Teenage years for me were quite a journey with family affairs constantly making me feel more down. Then during my final year of high school, I was bullied, went through a break up and yet another tragedy in the family struck. I was told to be strong during this tragedy and was not allowed to cry, but once everyone started crying I lost the need to cry and I was strong for everyone in my household.
A week later, I drank past my limit. My mom took me home to sleep it off but I woke up crying a couple of hours later and the feelings I had been locking up consumed me. I took one of my sister’s barber blades (details I will not disclose)… I woke up in a hospital.

How did I recover?
I sulked... a lot. I was not motivated to do much except for my regular schedule, but my friends broke the cycle. Two amazing friends that to this day I am grateful to have them. One would get me to go out more often, leave the house and start acting my age again. The other made me realize the importance of religion. Despite having different religious beliefs, she convinced me to go to a retreat at my local Catholic church, one that I had attended as a kid.
Coming out of that retreat made me feel like I had a clean slate. I mended fences with my mother because I knew it was important for her to know what was going on with me, I had to let her in, she is my best friend. My mother became my rock. My family was crucial to my recovery, they came together and would take care of me, some more than others but they did not let me tackle depression alone.
My therapist helped me understand the traumas I had suffered weren’t ones that I can easily put aside or push further into me. One of her phrases that continues to stick with me is, “Feelings were meant to be felt, so allow them to show you what you are feeling.” She explained to me that I would feel remains of sadness throughout the next 2-4 years that would take me back to that night and the core of it all. To this day, to this very moment that I am writing this, I feel pieces of a broken me that have yet to be put back in their place but this is normal.
On a lighter note
This year I decided to tackle the last string that was holding me back, my self-esteem. Beginning 2016 I went cold-turkey on soda, chips and fast food. I picked up Soulcycle, which is highly addictive in the best way possible. I taught myself discipline by not allowing myself to sleep in on days that I knew I had to get a workout in, I got myself on a strict sleeping schedule which taught me to make the most of daylight and I could not give into my cravings of sugary and fatty foods. Trust me it was not easy, but having a great support system helped.
Mi mama- I was skeptical at first but she got me to drink the Herbalife nutrition breakfast. It did not include any pills to help you slim down, but it did make me drink a lot of water (which is a great fat burner by the way). My mom also encouraged me to go to spin class by giving me kudos every time I came home dripping in sweat. Then when she started noticing changes in my body, she got in touch with my godmother.
My SO- He saw that my self-esteem was the only thing between me and my happiness. He went to my first Soulcycle classes with me so I would not feel self-conscious. He helped me plan my meals. Once he saw I fell in love with spin class he got me on a road bike, which has brought me so much joy. You girls have no idea how much I love being on my bike and riding 30+ miles on a daily basis, it keeps me sane and allows me to think clearly.
Many more people helped; my godmother encouraged me by coming over every two weeks to take my measurements, body weight and measure my body fat and BMI percentages, my sister got me to workout with her so I wouldn’t just be doing spin class and my spin instructor noticed my effort and would praise me for every class completion.
Bottom line, your mental health is by far the most important thing. Your physical appearance is something that you are in control of and if you want to change, you bet you’re a** you can.
Lessons I have learned from my experience:

ALWAYS SPEAK WHAT IS ON YOUR MIND BECAUSE BEING QUIET IS THE WORSE THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF. To somebody you trust, someone who will not hold any judgement. I have found said person and that person is now my significant other.
Understand the severity of your mental health. That precious head that you hold over your shoulders is your most prized possession. We have the mindset to do anything, look at where we are! We are on one of the most prestigious universities in the nation which means that you have something no one else has. Take care of that something.
IT IS OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP. If you already have a diagnosis (even self-diagnosis), go ask for help. We have a great mental health facility here on campus and it is a resource that has aided me since I transitioned from high school to college.
Never drink when you are sad. Alcohol is a depressant and will not help the sadness you are already feeling.

If you would like to hear me talk more about my journey or just need a workout buddy, contact me via Facebook.

Con mucho amor,
Sandra Gil
The holiday season is when it hits most. If you did not already know, it is during the holiday season in which most suicides occur. If you feel the desire to hurt yourself, please call any of the following number:
Suicide Prevention 1-800-273-8255.
CAPPS 310-206-3466

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Summer '16

11/15/2016

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This summer was a bit of an awakening for me. All of my peers were studying abroad in amazing places and I felt stuck back in Los Angeles. I even took a break from watching people’s snapchat stories because I will admit, I was a little jealous.
While everyone was out exploring different parts of the world, I stayed behind and took a summer course to fulfill my language requirement. I picked the American Sign Language intensive, where you learn three quarters worth of ASL in eight weeks. Class started at 9:30am and ended at 3:00pm, Monday through Friday. They don’t call it an intensive for no reason! I went into the class wondering how on earth I was going to survive a six hour class, five times a week. Little did I know I was in for a surprise.
The class was an incredible experience. Not only did I begin learning a new language, I met some of the greatest people. I bonded with the students in the class in a way I have never bonded with classmates before. Don’t even get me started on my professor, Ben. He is an amazing, charismatic instructor (hands down, the best professor I have had at UCLA, and I am currently a third year). He made the hours fly by and the lessons I learned in the class went beyond learning a language. I learned a lot about the oppression of Deaf people in society, how they’re pushed to the side and marginalized. I learned to become an ally to the Deaf community.
At the end of the summer intensive program, our professor hosted an ASL bonfire, were Deaf/hard of hearing people and learners of ASL got to meet and mingle over at Dockweiler State Beach. I was so nervous because I felt that I did not know enough ASL to have conversations outside of a classroom setting. Needless to say, it was a little difficult to communicate, but with efforts on both ends it was possible. The bonfire ended when it got too dark to see hands and my friends and I from the ASL class invited three guys we met to eat with us at Denny's. Again, I was super nervous because this was a different, more intimate setting. I think it was actually easier to communicate. Those were some funny dudes!
Although this summer I felt lost and left behind, I discovered a few things. One, do not compare yourself to other people, you’ll never be happy. Realize that everyone is on different trajectories and that you are doing the best you can for yourself. Give yourself some credit. Two, don’t skip out on chances because you’re afraid. Do the damn thing! Three, open yourself to learning about different people’s struggles, because we all need to stand together in order to overthrow the system of oppression we are currently living in.
Lastly (and please excuse the cheesiness), I believe things happen for a reason. There was a reason studying abroad did not work out for me this past summer and there was definitely a reason I took this ASL course. I am continuing my ASL studies this year and I’ll be looking into education/interpreting programs I can apply to post undergrad.

With love,
Brigette E.

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From LA to SB, and back to LA

11/1/2016

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This time 4 years ago, I was 17 years old, fresh out of high school, and on my way to Santa Barbara for community college. It all happened really spontaneously. I remember having a conversation with my Tia and Tio who lived in Santa Barbara about how much they loved it, and the next thing I knew I was convinced and determined to move there. Shortly after, I was on the train from Los Angeles to Santa Barbara by myself. I always get asked, “Why’d you move??”. Honestly, I think I was just a typical angry teenager who was desperate to get away from home and Santa Barbara sounded like paradise. I lived there for 3 years.

The first 6 months of living in Santa Barbara were spent with my Tia and Tio. I lived in their house with their 2 kids. I was enrolled as a full-time student at Santa Barbara City College (SBCC), worked at a sandwich shop, and only had a couple friends. I paid really cheap rent, had a meal cooked for me most of the time, had a free washer, dryer, and cable. I was living independently, but always had family to look out for me incase I ever needed anything. After about 6 months of living there, a friend of mine told me she was looking for a roommate. She lived in Isla Vista, the city in Santa Barbara that houses UCSB and SBCC students. It is also the city that gives Santa Barbara it’s party school reputation.

Isla Vista is basically like the movie Project X, every weekend. Moving there, I had no idea about Santa Barbara’s party scene; I only knew it had beaches. So when I was asked if I wanted to move into an apartment in Isla Vista, I didn’t fully know what I was agreeing to. But I agreed anyways. Suddenly, I was 100% independent, with my own apartment, job, full-time school schedule and responsibilities with party-life surrounding me. It took me some time to balance school and fun, but I knew when moving to Santa Barbara that I was there to succeed in school and transfer to a great university. That mentality made it a little easier whenever temptation presented itself.

Isla Vista is also where I was first introduced to Hermanas Unidas. I lived in the same complex as Hermanos Unidos de UCSB, which eventually lead me to meet Hermanas. My last year living in Isla Vista, I had 2 roommates who were Hermanas who invited me everywhere they went. I wasn’t fully invested in the org at the time, but I knew the girls, went to the events and even had some gear. Upon transferring to UCLA, I knew I wanted to be a part of the Hermanas Unidas chapter here.

I could go on and on about my experiences in Isla Vista and all the lessons I learned there. I once lived with 11 people in a 2 bedroom apartment. I was there for the Isla Vista shooting. The Buffalo Chicken Cheese Fries at IV Deli are literally a taste of heaven. Isla Vista housed some of the best and worst moments of my life, but I will always remember it as the place that molded me from adolescence into adulthood. Moving away so young taught me more about myself and life than any class I’ve taken. It taught me my worth, my morals, my limits, respect for responsibilities and resilience. It didn't happen overnight, and I would definitely take back some things if I could, but I left Santa Barbara as a much stronger person.

The greatest pieces of advice I could give, from my own experience, is:

Never ever EVER let a relationship or temporary feelings keep you from taking advantage of any opportunities. If I had given into my feelings and stayed home, I wouldn’t be where I am or who I am today.
Go full force towards your fears. Most of the time, the worst that can happen is usually 5 seconds of embarrassment. It's worth it.
Have fun in life. This isn’t just Santa Barbara talking (although a lot of it is). The balance between having fun and enjoying life is so important to me. I want to look back at my life and know that I was successful but that I also enjoyed life's blessings while doing so.
Leave home. Miss your loved ones and let your loved ones miss you. You'll appreciate each other on a greater level.
Work hard and you’ll get anything you want. Even an acceptance letter to one of the most prestigious universities in the country.

Throughout this post, I’ve only given credit to myself. In reality, my success is a product of endless help by counselors, teachers, family, and friends. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t have even made it through those first 6 months. Moving to Santa Barbara was one of the best decisions of my life and the city will always have a special place in my heart. I don't party nearly as much now as I did back then. Today, I stand as a prospective first-generation college graduate with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from UCLA. I never in a million years thought I would be here, but I’m really happy with how it all turned out.

Thanks for listening to me reminisce on life before UCLA! :)

Much love,

Isabella Muñoz

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Hermanas Unidas de UCLA Blog

My past, present and future battle

Summer '16

From LA to SB, and back to LA

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